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Post by Fx71 on May 25, 2007 16:02:56 GMT -5
Damn you, /b/. I fucking hate you. I've been noticing how you've been fucking with my head, making me see memes everywhere, and now it cost me my job.
I used to work at a pizza joint called Papa Gino's, which is a chain here in New England. Today, two guys came in, and they were very obviously a couple. Never in my life have I seen people this blatantly gay. Now, I'll be the first to admit that I'm a bleeding heart liberal hippie treehugger commie bastard, and I'm even bisexual myself, but DAMN these two were gay. Everything was going fine, right up until I served them their food. Instead of the usual "enjoy your meal" bit that I usually say, /b/ seized control of my brain.
"There you are, guys. Enjoy your AIDS." As soon as that A passed my lips, alarm bells went nuts in my head. But it was too late. I didn't realize what I had just done until I had finished speaking. The two guys just stared at me in shock for a momment, and I went pale. I knew that my days of free pizza and all the Mountain Dew I could drink were over in that one instant.
The two dudes go DIPSHIT. My manager comes over, and there's screaming about hate crimes, bigotry, lawsuits, and one of them even stood up and threatened to beat the shit out of me. We got into a fight, and my manager got scared, and said youre moving with your aunte and uncle in bel-air.
I whistled for a cab, and when it came near, the license plate said "fresh" and there were dice in the mirror. If anything I could say that this cab was rare, but I thought "naw forget it, yo home to bel-air!"
I pulled up to the house about seven or eight and I yelled to the cabbie "yo homes smell ya later!" Looked at my kingdom, I was finally there. To settle my throne as the prince of bel-air.
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Post by Fx71 on May 25, 2007 16:05:00 GMT -5
Legend has it that if you travel east to Japan, you will find an old man living on the coast just 40 miles south of Tokyo. If you give this man $500,000 he will take you to an island just off the coast that can't be found on any map. This island is filled with people without faces or names, who hold grudges over the most trivial of matters. When you arrive at this island the first thing you will see is a swimming pool that is never open. Just beyond the pool you will find a town that is filled with cats. You must find a white cat wearing a pink bow. If you ask the cat how to get to Mexico, he will stand up and ask you for three things: Your name, your face, and your soul. If you agree to give them to him, your face will vanish and you will forget your own name. You can live on the island and have whatever you desire, but you can never leave the island. The only way to escape is to find the cat again and ask for a young child. The next day a van will pull up in front your house. You will hear a knock at the door, and a voice will ask if you want to come to a party. No one knows what happens if you answer the door.
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Post by Fx71 on May 25, 2007 16:08:06 GMT -5
My first sexual experience was when i was in 11th grade. I went out with this chick a couple of tiems and things were going good, then she came with my to my prom. After what was a fun night, we went to the after party, we got a little drunk and both went to go to sleep, I had a sudden urge of courage and slippped my hand down the front of her pants. She didn't resist, so i kept going, eventually she started breathing heavily, and making little sounds.
I didn't know what I was doing so i just kept going. Her breathing got heavier. She was getting really wet and the noises were getting louder. I was really nervous because we were in the lounge room and there were other people sleeping all around of us. There were about 8 people in the room including us, and i was scared someone was oging to wwake up and catch us.
I kept going anyway and her pussy got wetter and wetter. Her breathing got more rapid and i could see she was straining not to make too much noise.
She was almost about to cum when i felt sometime wierd in her vagina... it was automatic... it was systematic... it was hydromatic... WHY ITS A GREASE LIGHTNING
We'll get some overhead lifters and some four barrell quads oh yeah (Keep talking woah keep talking)
We'll get some overhead lifters and some four barrel quads oh yeah (Keep talking whoa keep talking) A fuel injection cutoff and chrome plated rods oh yeah (I'll get the money I'll kill to get the money) With a four speed on the floor they'll be waiting at the door You know that ain't no shit we'll be getting lots of tit In Grease Lightning Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go
Go grease lightning you're burning up the quarter mile (Grease lightning go grease lightning) Go grease lightning you're coasting through the heat lap trial You are supreme the chicks'll cream for grease lightning Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go
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Post by Fx71 on May 25, 2007 16:08:48 GMT -5
Ok /b/, I have a story to tell. Enough time has passed that I think it's safe to tell now. My name is Jack and I am 34 years old. This past June, i began using Stickam. I happened upon the profile of a hot 13 year old girl. I started chatting with her but of course I lied about my age. I told her I was only 23. I lied about having a cam, too, for obvious reasons. One night, some guy came in her room and I tried to play "good cop" and I messaged her that he was over 30. She informed me that she thought guys over 30 were hot! Well, you can imagine my shock and relief!
A few days later, I confessed to her my real age and that I did have a cam. She was excited to learn this as she kinda was starting to like me. Thus began a relationship that made my fantasies come true!
We started having cam sessions on a regular basis. This kids body was just...omigod! Small, perfect tits. Hairless pussy. Heaven on Earth. She would shlick for me and when she came, the sounds she made were AMAZING! If she happened to be alone at home, she would just let it all out and get off hard. She would watch me fapping and just drool. Even though she was a virgin, she was ready for action!
Anyway, our relationship grew to where we were talking to each other on the phone late at night and making plans to meet somehow. She lives in Vegas so it would be easy for me to go there for a vacation and hook up with her. And that's just what happened.
I flew in on a Friday morning and got settled into my hotel room. Then I sent her an IM on AIM letting her know where I was staying and told her I would make arrangements for her to come see me. The plan was simple: I would hire a taxi to pick her up a few blocks from her house and drive her to the hotel. She had told her folks that she was spending the weekend camping with friends and I guess they believed her. That afternoon, the taxi picked her up and brought her to the hotel. She phoned me to tell me she was almost there. I asked her if the cab's license plate said FRESH and it had dice on the mirror.
She laughed and said that it didn't. Anyway, earlier that day, i had gone out shopping to prepare for the weekend. A teddy bear, some sexy clothes, roses and candles were all set up in the bedroom of the hotel suite. Champagne was chilling in the ice bucket. A few minutes after her call from the cab, a soft knock came on my door. For a few seconds, I had visions of Chris Hansen and several members of the Party Van on the other side of that door.
However, one peek thru the peephole was enough to assuage my fears. My dearest /b/, seeing her standing in the corridor thru that fish-eye lens was amazing, because I knew that with the turn of a knob, my dream of having child sex would come true. I opened the door and 98 pounds of lust filled teenager thrust itself into my embrace. We hugged for what seemed like days then moved into the living room. We sat on the sofa and just looked into each others eyes for several seconds. Finally, I snapped to and poured some bubbly for us.
This kid was no stranger to booze, but she had never experienced champagne before. She actually giggled at the way the bubbles tickled her nose, which i thought was cute as hell. I drew her to me and started to make out with her. How I kept from nutting in my pants is beyond me! Her fuckin tits were...amazing...it's the only word I can think of. She put her hand on my throbbing crotch bulge and squeezed. I shit you not /b/, the girl MOANED as she did it. I think she might have had an orgasm, but she didn't admit to it when I asked her later
After some more groping and fondling, I stood and took her hand and led her to the bedroom. "Oh Jack," she said, "I have wanted this for so long." I laughed because she had wanted it for about 6 weeks, but to a 13 year old, that is an eternity. She took in the flickering glow of the candles, the roses, and the teddy bear in the middle of the bed. She climbed up to get it and I joined her. We began to kiss and grope one another. I lay her back and slowly undressed her, peeling her clothing away and kissing each inch of tender teen flesh I uncovered. As I licked and sucked on her nipples, small moans escaped her lips. I kissed my way down her belly and undid her jeans. When I saw that tiny twat come into view, my cock lurched in my pants.
Even though I had seen her naked hundreds of times on that webcam, the reality of it was enough to almost me shock me. The folds of her pussy glistened in the warm glow of the candles. Her clit was engorged and actually sticking out a little. Now I have seen pussy up close, I mean, I wasn't a virgin going into this thing after all, but this one was different. It hadn't finished developing. Of course, that was the whole idea, you know? But I digress, I needed to know what nearly pre-teen pussy TASTED like! (BTW, it smelled AWESOME!)
Wait...what? OP here, btw. This happened, as I alluded to, in August. She spent the entire weekend with me! We never left the suite the whole time. I was utterly fucked out by Sunday night, and the poor girl could hardly walk, but she couldn't stop smiling... anyway, story continues in a minute...
I spread her thighs and started licking her stiff clit, sucking her juices. Feeling a little playful, I reached over to the bedside table and grabbed one of the flickering tapers from the holder. I held it over her chest and grinned. She said, "Won't it burn?" Meaning the hot wax I was about to drip on her tits. I assured her that it wiould actually feel really good and showed her. MY GOD the reaction was incredible! That kids hips bucked so hard as a hueg orgasm tore thru her. She nearly knocked me off the bed! I dripped some more wax on her clit and she screamed, but not in pain. I couldn't believe the effect this was having on her! Gutturally, like some kind of animal, she commanded me to do something that shocked me. She said, "Fuck me with it! Fuck me with that candle, Jack!" Who was I to refuse such an order? I blew it out and slid in to her soaking wet pu
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Post by Fx71 on May 25, 2007 16:09:48 GMT -5
wtf irony
When I was about nine, I had recently gotten a Nintendo Entertainment System from a garage sale down the road, the first gaming system I ever had. One game that I bought was Super Mario Brothers 3, the final chapter of the widely-acclaimed SMB trilogy, which like in the original Super Mario Brothers consisted of Mario/Luigi chasing after Princess Toadstool (whose name has since been bastardized to 'Peach'). Back on topic though; so I had advanced to World 2, "Desert Land" and I was moving along rather smoothly, in the back of my mind knowing that at some point the levels would start to get more difficult; I soon noticed a tile, one unlike the other tiles (Toad houses, numbered tiles, etc). It appeared to be some cross-hybrid of flowing diarrhea and sand, which caught my attention. I navigated my way to the tile, and hit the A button and was warped to what appeared to be a normal level; there even was a happy sunshine in the top left corner! As I side-scrolled my way through the level, the fucking sun decided to go apeshit and sodomize me repeatedly until I finally broke down in tears, throwing my controller at the ground screaming for my mom. That fucking bastard.
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Post by Fx71 on May 25, 2007 16:13:28 GMT -5
HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. APPARENTLY, YOU DON'T KNOW WHEN TO SHUT THE FUCK UP, WHICH IS TO BE EXPECTED FROM AN ASS-DRAGGING MAN WHORE LIKE YOURSELF THAT GETS KICKED OFF THE GOOD CORNERS BY TWELVE YEAR OLD BOYS LOOKING FOR EXTRA INCOME TO SUPPORT THEIR POKEMON ADDICTIONS. IF YOU'RE EVER INTERESTED IN BECOMING A REAL MAN, COME BY THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE WHERE I CAN GIVE YOU A TESTOSTERONE INFUSION IN THE BACK ALLEY WITH MY PATENTED PULSATING MAN HAMMER. I'LL SPREAD YOUR ASS CHEEKS WIDER THAN THE MARIANAS TRENCH, AND I'LL PLUNGE MY THUNDERING FLESH REDWOOD INTO YOUR WINKING PINK CHRYSANTHEMUM. SLIPPING ON MY STEEL WOOL GLOVES, I'LL GRAB YOUR MINISCULE QUIVERING JOYSTICK AND VIGOROUSLY MASSAGE IT UNTIL IT STANDS UP HARDER AND STRAIGHTER THAN A MARINE AT SHORT ARM INSPECTION WITH HIS FAVORITE DRILL SERGEANT. WHEN I FINALLY UNLEASH MY SHOWER OF MAN MAYONNAISE INTO YOUR COLON YOUR INNARDS WILL PULSATE IN JOYOUS ABANDON AND YOUR NIPPLES WILL EXPLODE WITH DELIGHT, RAINING MY SEX SAUCE DOWN UPON UNWARY PASSERSBY WHO WILL COWER IN FEAR OF THE SECOND COMING. I GUARANTEE IT.
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Post by Fx71 on May 25, 2007 16:15:41 GMT -5
HI... I'M GEORGE ZIMMER - FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. A WEEK AND A HALF AGO IN AN ALLEY BEHIND HER WORKPLACE I THRUST MY INHUMANLY TURGID MEMBER INTO YOUR SISTER'S ANAL CAVITY. AS MY GARGANTUAN MEAT SPEAR PENETRATED HER BUTT PIPE SHE SCREAMED AND FAINTED, SMASHING HER FACE AGAINST THE HARD ASPHALT OF THE ALLEY. I FLIPPED HER OVER AND PULLED MY LOG OUT, TAKING CARE NOT TO GET BLOOD ON MY AMAZINGLY DAPPER SUIT AND THEN PROCEEDED TO FIRE MY JIZZ ROCKET ONTO HER GLASSES AND PUCKERED NIPPLES. PROMPTLY AFTER SHOVING HER IN THE TRUNK OF MY LEXUS I DROVE OFF INTO THE DARK NIGHT ONLY TO DROP HER OFF AT A REST STOP MOTEL WITH $1.50 IN CHANGE TO CALL A CAB. SHE ENDED UP TAKING A SUB HOME WHILE CALLING ME 6 TIMES ON MY CELL PHONE. WHEN I ANSWERED ALL I HEARD WAS WIMPERING AND A LOW MOAN. I GUARANTEE IT.
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Post by LoC_Mexican on May 25, 2007 16:51:53 GMT -5
George Zimmer is my new hero.
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Post by G(O)D)oF(UrMoM on May 25, 2007 20:21:17 GMT -5
ahhahah the candlejack one is awesome.
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Post by LoC_Mexican on May 26, 2007 6:18:29 GMT -5
Was it supposed to end with pussy, or is there more to it? >.<
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Post by G(O)D)oF(UrMoM on May 26, 2007 9:31:21 GMT -5
it's a 4chan thing, fog might get it
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Post by foooooog on May 26, 2007 9:45:50 GMT -5
I liked the candlejack one, although I thought it was a bit too long.
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Post by G(O)D)oF(UrMoM on May 26, 2007 19:04:49 GMT -5
nah, it's pretty perfect if you ask me
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Post by G(O)D)oF(UrMoM on May 26, 2007 21:58:54 GMT -5
Hi, I'm George Zimmer, President and CEO of the Men's Wearhouse. I was taking an evening stroll down the street and saw your mother walking towards me. My beef hammer called for sweet relief and strianed against the zipper of my pants. I could not take this punisment any longer. So I swung my monolithic man meat God bestowed upon me and knocked her into a dumpster in a nearby alley. I then proceeded to ram my extra large man salami into her tight hole. Her unwilling moist lips could not take the punishment my thirty pound man hammer did upon her. After shooting my special blend of polonious nut naplam flavored butter, I used my extra large wrecking balls to smash a hole into the wall of a building and escaped into the night. I gaurntee it.
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Post by G(O)D)oF(UrMoM on May 26, 2007 22:01:18 GMT -5
for you, holy HI, I’M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN’S WEARHOUSE. YOUR MOTHER MAY HAVE BEEN BLESSED MORE TIMES BY THE SACRED WHITE RIVER OF MY PELVIC PALADIN, BUT THAT IS NO REASON TO GIVE ME THE GREEN EYE OF JEALOUSY, MY COCK-LOVING CAVALIER. BETWEEN US, TONIGHT WILL BE RELIGIOUS RAPTURE, FOR YOUR ANAL CLEFT SHALL BE MY GREAT SEA, AND I SHALL BE ITS MOSES, CLEAVING ITS MIGHTY CHOCOLATE OCEAN TO MAKE WAY FOR THE SAFE PASSAGE OF MY TESTICULAR TRIBE, HAVING BEEN GRANTED MEPHITIC FREEDOM FROM THE TYRANNY OF ENSLAVEMENT BEHIND A LOCKED PROSTATE. TO DO THIS, I WILL READY MY LONGIUS TO PIERCE YOUR BACKSIDE’S SACRED DOMAIN — YOU WILL SCREAM FIRST IN PAIN, THEN IN PASSION AS ITS STEEL-LADEN GIRTH STRETCHES AND RIPS THE FABRIC OF YOUR MORTAL INNARDS, DISIMBUING YOU OF YOUR CONSCIOUSNESS, LEADING YOU TO A HEAVEN, THEN REVIVING YOUR FEELING OF PHYSICAL REALITY LIKE A ONCE-CRUCIFIED JESUS RETURNING TO EARTH. I GUARANTEE IT.
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