CopyPasta Thread

[Fx71]

I need some advice on what could be a life changing decision. Thanks in advance guys.

I've suspected for some time now that my girlfriend has been having an affair. The usual signs. Phone rings, I answer, someone hangs up. She started going out "with the girls" a lot recently although when I ask which girls it is always "Just some friends from work, you don't know them". I always look out for her taxi coming home but she always walks down the drive although I can hear a car setting off. As if she has got out of the car round the corner. Why? Is it not a taxi? I once picked her mobile up just to see what the time was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was i checking up on her.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with her. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth but last night something odd happened. She had come over to play WoW and had forgotten to sign off of AIM after she left. It was whilst I was going through her buddy list that I noticed my mage had just been two-shotted by a rogue.

Should I stick with my mage or should I play a class with more survivability?

[Fx71]

hi every1 im new!!!!!!!
*holds up spork*
my name is katy but u can call me t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m!!!!!!!! lol...as u can see im very random!!!! thats why i came here, 2 meet random ppl like me ^_^... im 13 years old (im mature 4 my age tho!!) i like 2 watch invader zim w/ my girlfreind (im bi if u dont like it deal w/it) its our favorite tv show!!! bcuz its SOOOO random!!!! shes random 2 of course but i want 2 meet more random ppl =) like they say the more the merrier!!!! lol...neways i hope 2 make alot of freinds here so give me lots of commentses!!!!

DOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <--- me bein random again ^_^ hehe...toodles!!!!! love and waffles,

*~t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m~*

[Fx71]

I'll start.

I like to wear a elaborate Jar Jar Binks costume and mask as part of my every day life. I went to the grocery store, and saw how depressed everyone was so I thought I would help. I started dancing in the aisles, and yelling at people, and running up to people and taking things out of their cart. It was great fun. Then when I went to check out, there was only one lane open and a long line. I screamed and screamed while in line and danced, bumping into other people. I opened a box of baking soda and threw it around. Finally I got to the checkout. I started making noises at the cashier, and I kept pressing buttons on the computer. Some people in line were groaning because the line was getting very long, but that gave me even more incentive to make them laugh. I climbed onto the table and started kicking peoples groceries on the floor and singing. The manager and one of his goons pulled me off and said I could never shop there again. Can I sue for harassment or possibly assault?

[Fx71]

This game is shit, plain and simple.

Oh, let's all get the warp whistle and warp to "big world"! Too bad big world isn't fucking fun, like the rest of this game. The entire thing is designed to anger and frustrate you. Oh, you get Kuribo's shoe on one fucking level! Wow, pardon me while I make the universal motion for a handjob. Kuribo's shoe fucking sucked. What did it do, exactly? It let you JUMP ON THINGS, something you were able to do the entire fucking game. Oh, also you looked gay.

There are some interesting power-ups in the game, such as Tanookie Mario, Hammer Mario, and Frog Mario. But guess what? You can get them on like 2 levels total, and if you fuck up and get hit ONCE, you lose them, FOREVER. Wow, that's fun! I love games that demand I play perfectly or have no fun, because I'm a fucking jap who strives for absolute perfection in gaming otherwise I kill myself.

Mario 3 may have been interesting or fun at one time, but the game is a worthless piece of shit in today's day and age. It's horribly flawed and full of punch-in-the-dick moments, much more so than it has moments that are just fun to play.

[Fx71]

I'm a 4chan level otaku. I don't talk with you chumps in anime club, I don't read your "anime magazine" with new releases I saw two years ago. I don't need to go to a club full of fat smelly people to watch Full Metal Alchemist all over again. I've got fuckin' live feed torrents of the newest animes you haven't even hear of, and figures from said anime being shipped to my house so I can masturbate on them. Go read your "yowie" on fanfiction.net, I'm downloading loli dojinshi and reading the fucking raws.

You keep wearing your naruto headbands and shit, socializing with your weeaboo friends. I'll be walking by, Anonymous. You'll never know that the master of anime had passed you by, because I suppress my power level.

[Fx71]

So /b/ I had to get a colonoscopy today
That's where they stick a camera up your ass and take pictures of your intestines.

Anyway, that part wasn't bad, the bad part was the prep for it: I didn't eat anything yesterday. Starting at 3 PM I had to drink about 2 liters of this shit that would he;lp clear my intestines out. Basically, from 3 PM until about 12 I had SEVERE abdominal cramps. I mean severe. I'm talking about rolling around on the floor punching shit severe.

Anyway, during this, I started to get horny for some reason. It was a strange feeling really. Not even being able to stand up because of crippling pains, and yet at the same time, having a raging boner and wanting to jack off.
Anyway, I had been shitting brown water since 3 (that's what the nasty shit I drank did), and I needed to again. But since I had a huge boner I figured I'll take care of it while I'm in the can. So, I'm standing over the toilet cranking one off, and I'm getting the shits, so I sit down. Just before I'm about to cum, I start feeling like I'm going to puke. Now, I had vomit brewing for awhile. You know that feeling you get when you're going to puke? When you start to feel sick and start salivating a lot? I had been getting that since I went to the bathroom. Anyway it built up enough that I started VIOLENTLY and LOUDLY puking. I'm fucking lucky the sink is right next to the toilet. The force of this caused me to begin shooting shit-water out of my ass with the force of a pressure washer. The spasming of my entire body caused my hand to move around enough that I started cumming.

So after all was said and done, I had a line of fire burning a line from my balls to and up my asscrack, puke in the sink, and cum covering my legs.

Just letting you know how bad my day was.

[Fx71]

Hey /b/, I have a very serious problem. I'm fucking crying because of how stupid I am.

Okay, so my girlfriend was supposed to come over to my house today because I was going to go take her to a movie. She lives about 20 minutes away, and the movie we were supposed to see started at 4:15, which was in about 40 minutes. I figured "cool, I'll just play Pokemon while I wait".

So I'm playing Pokemon, and having a pretty damn good time. Anyway, she finally does show up, except she's crying as she walks into my room. Instead of doing the right thing by comforting her, I half-focus on my game and her. She starts telling me her cat died, and just as she was getting into it, I get into a random encounter in my game.

A shiny pidgey. Holy shit. (For those of you who don't know/care, shiny pokemon have less than a 1/1000 chance of appearing). I stare into my screen in amazement, yelling "holy shit, YES", interrupting her mid-story. She sobs more, and she starts to yell "You don't even fucking care! YOU JUST WANT TO PLAY YOUR FUCKING GAME!" I'm still looking at my screen, still focusing on catching my shiny pidgey, when she walks over, and tosses the game against the wall. I run over and pick up my DS hoping that nothing has changed on screen, and quickly noticed that she broke it. My system and my shiny pidgey, gone forever.

I start screaming every obscenity I know, and started flailing my arms around. I didn't know she was behind me, and apparently I backhanded her in the face while I was being a dumbass and swinging my fists around. She yells out "FUCK YOU", and runs out of my house in tears.

What have I done? I've fucked up so badly, and I need to know how to approach her. I don't want a game of Pokemon to be responsible for ruining my best relationship ever. Help me /b/.

[Fx71]

In any city, in any country, go to any mental institution or halfway house in you can get yourself to. When you reach the front desk, ask to visit someone who calls himself "The Holder of the End". Should a look of child-like fear come over the workers face, you will then be taken to a cell in the building. It will be in a deep hidden section of the building. All you will hear is the sound of someone talking to themselves echo the halls. It is in a language that you will not understand, but your very soul will feel unspeakable fear.

Should the talking stop at any time, STOP and QUICKLY say aloud "I'm just passing through, I wish to talk." If you still hear silence, flee. Leave, do not stop for anything, do not go home, don't stay at an inn, just keep moving, sleep where your body drops. You will know in the morning if you've escaped.

If the voice in the hall comes back after you utter those words continue on. Upon reaching the cell all you will see is a windowless room with a person in the corner, speaking an unknown language, and cradling something. The person will only respond to one question. "What happens when they all come together?"

The person will then stare into your eyes and answer your question in horrifying detail. Many go mad in that very cell, some disappear soon after the meeting, a few end their lives. But most do the worst thing, and look upon the object in the person's hands. You will want to as well. Be warned that if you do, your death will be one of cruelty and unrelenting horror.

Your death will be in that room, by that person's hands.

That object is 1 of 538. They must never come together. Never.

[Fx71]

I have a 12 year old sister, and she has fucked me over for life. About three months ago she started getting into anime when i lent her my copy of Spirited Away to watch with her friend. Ever since she has been bugging me to watch some of my anime, Ive lent her some stuff, but a lot of what I have really isnt for kids so I cant lend it to her, but I can hardly tell her its porn.

Well this past friday I was sitting in bed with nothing but a shirt on, watching Bible Black, and fapping away when all of a sudden I hear my door start to open. Panicking I quickly threw my sheets over my lower body, just in time for my sister to poke her head in and ask me what I was doing, She saw the TV and realised I was watching anime and walked in, lucky for me it wasnt a sex scene or she would have known what I was watching. She climbed on to my bed, "can I watch" she asked. of course I said no, but she persisted even after I told her it wasnt for kids. I made her promise not to tell my Mom and explained to her that it was anime where people had sex, and that I really didn't think it was appropriate for her to watch. Even still she wouldn't leave, now threatening to tell my mom that I had hentai if I didn't let her watch. (Im 18 but my parents said they'll kick me out if I bring porn into the house) I VERY reluctantly agreed to let her stay. BIG MISTAKE.

The first thing she does is slide underneath my blanket next to me, not realising I wasnt wearing pants or that my cock was hard underneath the bunched up sheets. I pushed play on the movie again and it quickly turned into a sex scene, which my little sister started asking awkward questions throughout. It was horrible, not only could I not enjoy the movie, but if I got up to leave or anything she would see my raging hardon, I was stuck. After the episode ended my sister turned to me and asked me "have you ever had sex Sean?" I told it her it was none of her business and she giggled and told me she doubted it because I was fat and never had any girlfriends. I said "fine, Ive never had sex. happy?" she just kind of smiled and said "do you want to?". My heart stopped. "what... with you?" I could barely believe it. "yeah" she said it as if it were no big deal "that movie made me want to try it". I was at a horrible crossroads, I could see three outcomes, say no and probably remain a virgin the rest of my life, say yes and have her laugh at me then tell my mom, or say yes and perhaps have sex for what might my only time ever. Now Im no pedo, but my sister is pretty hot for a twelve year old, her hips are just starting to develop and she had small perky breasts that were very nicely shaped, plus I was (and still am) convinced that this would be my only chance to make it with a female. "Okay..." I said it reluctantly. She smiled and pulled back the covers to reveal my cock, still hard as hell and practically throbbing with blood, she looked at it awkwardly and then reached out one hand to touch it, then put her other hand on my shaft and started to stroke. I then abruptly stopped writing this story and left you all with blue balls.

[Fx71]

I was working in the lab late one night,
when my eyes beheld an eerie sight,
for my monster from his slab began to rise,
and suddenly to my surprise.

He did the mash (he did the monster mash),
the monster mash (it was a graveyard smash),
he did the mash (it caught on in a flash),
he did the mash (he did the monster mash).

From my laboratory in the castle east,
to the master bedroom where the vampires feast,
the ghouls all came from their humble abodes,
to get a jolt from my electrodes

They did the mash (they did the monster mash),
the monster mash (it was a graveyard smash),
they did the mash (it caught on in a flash),
they did the mash (they did the monster mash).

The zombies were having fun,
the party had just begun,
the guests included Wolf Man,
Dracula and his son.

The scene was rockin',
all were digging the sounds,
Igor on chains, backed by his baying hounds,
the coffin-bangers were about to arrive,
with their vocal group, "The Crypt-Kicker Five".

They played the mash (they played the monster mash),
the monster mash (it was a graveyard smash),
they played the mash (it caught on in a flash),
they played the mash (they played the monster mash).

Out from his coffin,
Drac's voice did ring,
seems he was troubled by just one thing,
he opened the lid and shook his fist,
and said, "Whatever happened to my Transylvania twist?"

It's now the mash (it's now the monster mash),
the monster mash (and it's a graveyard smash),
it's now the mash (it's caught on in a flash),
it's now the mash (it's now the monster mash).

Now everything's cool,
Drac's a part of the band,
and my monster mash is the hit of the land,
for you, the living, this mash was meant too,
when you get to my door,
tell them Boris sent you.


Then you can mash (then you can monster mash),
the monster mash (and do my graveyard smash)
then you can mash (you'll catch on in a flash),
then you can mash (then you can monster mash).

[Fx71]

HI... I'M GEORGE ZIMMER - FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. LAST NIGHT I UNSHEATHED MY MUNGO MAN SPOUT FROM MY JEANS AND FLOPPED IT DOWN IN FRONT OF YOUR MOTHER - YOUR SENILE DOWNSTAIRS NEIGHBOUR TAPPED AT HER CEILING BECAUSE OF THE CLAMOR. YOUR MOM WAS BARELY ABLE TO NIBBLE AT MY PLUMP, PRODIGIOUS MEMBER BEFORE I GRABBED IT LIKE A LASSO AND SMACKED HER ACROSS THE FACE SO HARD SHE FLEW, SPINNING, ONTO THE BED BENT OVER - AWAITING THE ADMISSION OF MY THROBBING ACREAGE OF FLESH. SHE COULD ONLY TAKE 30 SECONDS OF HALF MY SCROTAL CAMEL BEFORE SHE FAINTED. I FINISHED UP AND BESTOWED A STUNNING LIKENESS OF THE POPE ON HER BACK IN BABY SPACKLE. I USED HER TOOTH BRUSH AS TOILET PAPER AND LEFT A QUARTER ON HER ASS. SHE CALLED ME FOUR TIMES TODAY. I GUARANTEE IT.

[Fx71]

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[Fx71]

I'll try to sum up a funny story that happened a few years ago:

I got a vasectomy.

I met a girl soon afterwards. She was nice and attractive but with a selfish streak that raised a big red flag. She was 32 at the time and I could practically HEAR her biological clock ticking. Regardless, she was a good lay, easy on the eyes, and reasonably good company.

I did NOT tell her about my vasectomy and I always used a condom with her to protect against STDs. She assumed, obviously, that the condom was only used for birth control. Silly girl.

We date for a few months. I never made any move towards commitment but she brought it up ocassionally. For me, this was a casual but pleasant relationship. For her - as I was to find out - it was part of life-changing series of events that she was planning very carefully.

Four months into dating, I get the "I'm pregnant" talk. She's going on and on about how the condom must have broke and now we really need to think about getting married "for the baby". She's positively giddy. She has a baby in her and she thinks she's gonna have a good meal ticket (me) to go along with her new 7lb annuity.

At this point, I'm just as giddy. I get to pull the reverse "oops" on her. I figured that she slept with some bad boy and got knocked up. Good thing I was using condoms! Better still that I have a serious mistrust of women who can't think beyond their own uteri.

So I wait a couple of days to "think about all this." I meet her again. I say I don't want kids and that she should have an abortion. I know where this is going and sure enough it goes there. She goes completely batshit insane on me. There were the usual insults about my manhood. There were threats of legal action. It was all very ugly and I was loving every minute of it.

Well, I let her stew for a few days. She leaves me nasty messages on my phone. She sends awful emails. I'm laughing hysterically.

It was time to drop the hammer. While she was stewing I was busy. First I get a notarized copy from the urologist who performed the vasectomy. Next I get a notarized copy of the TWO test results indicating a "negative test result for sperm" to show I'm sterile and shooting blanks. Finally, I get a letter from a shark attorney stating he has seen the other documents and is prepared to litigate against this woman if she continues to communicate with me in such an unpleasant manner. Also, the letter states that we will insist on DNA testing to show that the baby is not mine. I'm ready.

I meet with this woman at her place. I bring flowers and a small bit of jewelry to show I am willing to reconcile and assume my responsibilities as a new father. I also have stuck in my pocket the documents I have prepared.

She's all giddy again. Her plan is going perfectly - or so she thinks. We talk about our future. We have some pretty good sex. Then, as I am about to walk out the door, I ask her the $64,000 question. "Are you sure that this baby is mine?"

Well, she goes batshit insane again. Hell, she ought to. Her plan could completely unravel if there is ANY question about my paternity. Oh, she's really screaming now. How dare I question her morals. Do I think she's a slut. I'm just trying to weasel out of my responsibilities... blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda, yadda.

I'm not really mad. I'm kind of embarrassed for her. But since she won't shut up and the neighbors can hear all of this, I ask her to step back inside and sit down. She sits on the sofa and calms down a bit. She is glaring at me with all the moral self-righteousness that only a woman can muster up. She thinks she has me trapped. She is 100% convinced her plan has worked. Oh, the tangled web of lies and deceit she has wrought around herself and I am about to hack through them with a few pieces of paper.

I reach into my pocket slowly. I extract the three pieces of paper and unfold them slowly and deliberately.

I tell her simply, "You're screwed".

Her look doesn't change. There is no way she can fathom what I have prepared.

I continue. "I am sterile"

Her look changes just a bit. Something is beginning to sink in. Naturally, she reverts to women's logic. "You're full of shit. You're trapped and you know it."

I hold up the letter and the test results. "Three months before we met, I had a vasectomy. Here is a notarized letter from him stating what I had done. Here are two test results showing that I tested negative for the presence of sperm. Blanks. I am shooting blanks. That baby inside you is simply not mine."

This woman is not to be swayed by logic and clear documentation. "Bullshit, those are fakes."

I was ready for that. "No, they are real. This last piece of paper is from my attorney. It's a simple letter to you that states if you pursue any kind of legal action against me for child support that I will insist on a DNA test to prove paternity, that is, to prove that your baby is not mine."

I give the woman all the documents. She reads them slowly, deliberately. With each passing second she can feel in her soul that she has made a very bad mistake. With denial swept away, she started to cry. It's a small cry at first. Then it becomes deeper and more painful. By the time she gets to the letter from the lawyer she is sobbing.

I had no sympathy for her. I turned and walked out the door. Even after I closed the door I could still hear her sobbing.

Epilogue -

I never heard directly from this woman again. I did hear through my friends that she did indeed have the baby. I also heard that the real father was some guy in a band she had met. I assumed that after 30, women stopped going after musicians, bikers, criminals, and thugs. Silly me for thinking the best of American women.

The Moral of the Story -

Get a vasectomy but keep it a secret.

[Fx71]

There are seven words in every Gideon's Bible - y'know, the ones they stuff in every hotel room - that can't be found in any other bible.

If you repeat those seven words to yourself while grasping the doorknob to your room, the door will open to any hotel room in the world.

Of course, if you want to control where you're going, you'll need to know the Gideon's Key - one more inserted word, unique to each copy, that acts as an index for each room.

[Fx71]

Ok /b/, I'll tell you my first incest experience. It was about 2 years ago; I was 18 and my sister was 16(and a half). We had a cousin staying at our house for the summer and she was either 16 or 17. Got along great with the cousin, but not so great with the sister. She felt she should have the run of the house since I was about to move out to college and I thought she was a bitch. This caused conflict.

Anyway, the parents were at work, I was chilling in my room, and the two girls were sunbathing/swimming outside. I had nothing for my sister at this point, but my cousin was a different matter. From an objective standpoint, she's good looking. She's the big athlete in the family so the body is pretty good as well. I would post pics, but I'm afraid someone would recognize her(maybe I'll post with the face blurred...). So I can't help but look out my window every now and again to check her out and maybe jack a bit.

Here's where things get crazy. I'm building up jack material on my cousin, but I can't stop looking at my sister. Cousin is hot, but my sister has a RACK. Her boobs look like they wanna bust out of the bikini. So I start storing images of her as well. It feels a little sick at first, but that just makes things more exciting.

I want a closer look, so I go outside to the pool and say that I'm going to bust into the booze cabinent and to come inside if they want any. They think it's a great idea and follow me in. They get wasted pretty fast, but I only have a couple drinks. It gets to the point where they're basically passed out on the floor, wearing skimpy bikinis, and I'm sitting there with a raging hard on. So I make the decision.

I run to the basement to grab a camcorder and set it up in the den where we are. Just then, my grandpa busts through the door, tears off my pants, and fucks me in the ass. He's wearing a cowboy hat. Once he unloads, he runs back out of the house and yells, "I have the weirding way!"